I have been really struggling lately. I wish I had insurance so I could possibly get some counseling, but I don't know how that would help. It won't bring my Mom back. I just have to accept this. I would love to find someone who has lost a parent to suicide. I think that would help most of all. Being a 27 year old orphan really sucks.
The worst thing happened the other day. I finished painting the greyhound and gave it to the guy I work with. A complete stranger saw my paintings and asked me about them. He wants me to paint his dog. There's something awesome about someone who doesn't know you wanting your artwork. This is the first time anything like that has happened. I was so excited, my first instinct was to think of how happy my Mom would be for me. My art was probably the only thing she always whole-heartedly supported me with. No criticism there, just encouragement. She would say she wished I could do something with my art. Now I had a chance to do something!
Within seconds, I remembered she was gone and that for the rest of my life, there will be no parent for me to share my accomplishments with. I have so much support from Will, friends and other family members, but not from the person who created you. The person who can share in your accomplishments and really feel proud. I can never make my mom proud of me ever again. So I can't help but wonder if everything I do from now on, she will be a dark shadow cast over it. I think it will? There's no way it can't be. She killed herself and now is not here for me.
I have a letter from August 31, 2009 basically telling me goodbye and I somehow had no clue this whole time. It's full of paranoid ramblings and now I see aspects of schizophrenia (visions/delusions) in there. I should have taken it seriously.
The last part of the letter:
If you ever need Mom, just close your eyes and I am there, see a butterfly or rainbow or fresh wind through trees and Mom is right there in your heart to be a good, sane, encouraging, strong, caring, uplifting, always positive good Mom, Ok baby, like I always should have been for you truly deserved. I didn't know in the vision what happens to me but it is horrible and forever but don't forget the angel protects me with peace and joy and no harm forever.
I love you sunshine. Love always and forever.
Mom
It is so obvious right there that she planned on ending her life. "It is horrible and forever". She was confessing to me that she was going to do it. And I probably skimmed over the letter when I got it in the mail, refusing to make sense of it all, because it made no sense and that terrified me. She wrote that she basically donated all the things she had to charity. And I was so stupid I didn't realize!
I am not blaming myself here. I am full of questions and when I see this, it answers some of them. The suicide is no longer a surprise when I have this letter from August of 2009 telling me goodbye. It makes more sense of how she had animosity towards me. I can see her thinking that everyday she continued to live was a struggle. She postponed her plan for whatever reason.. I wish I could say I thought it was me, but then she would call me with bizarre paranoia and I would be harsh, hoping I could snap her back in to reality.
So here I am with the waves of reality crashing on me, over a month later. No, still haven't talked to her. Really realizing she is gone.
Grief is a workout I was not training for at all.
The greyhound:
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