It comes in waves.

So I am learning that grief is not something that you deal with. It will always be here. "It comes in waves" is pretty accurate. There's a lull, and you think you'll be fine, then it comes crashing back down on you, the shock, the pain of it all at once again.

I have been really struggling lately. I wish I had insurance so I could possibly get some counseling, but I don't know how that would help. It won't bring my Mom back. I just have to accept this. I would love to find someone who has lost a parent to suicide. I think that would help most of all. Being a 27 year old orphan really sucks.

The worst thing happened the other day. I finished painting the greyhound and gave it to the guy I work with. A complete stranger saw my paintings and asked me about them. He wants me to paint his dog. There's something awesome about someone who doesn't know you wanting your artwork. This is the first time anything like that has happened. I was so excited, my first instinct was to think of how happy my Mom would be for me. My art was probably the only thing she always whole-heartedly supported me with. No criticism there, just encouragement. She would say she wished I could do something with my art. Now I had a chance to do something!

Within seconds, I remembered she was gone and that for the rest of my life, there will be no parent for me to share my accomplishments with. I have so much support from Will, friends and other family members, but not from the person who created you. The person who can share in your accomplishments and really feel proud. I can never make my mom proud of me ever again.  So I can't help but wonder if everything I do from now on, she will be a dark shadow cast over it. I think it will? There's no way it can't be. She killed herself and now is not here for me.

I have a letter from August 31, 2009 basically telling me goodbye and I somehow had no clue this whole time. It's full of paranoid ramblings and now I see aspects of schizophrenia (visions/delusions) in there. I should have taken it seriously.

The last part of the letter:

If you ever need Mom, just close your eyes and I am there, see a butterfly or rainbow or fresh wind through trees and Mom is right there in your heart to be a good, sane, encouraging, strong, caring, uplifting, always positive good Mom, Ok baby, like I always should have been for you truly deserved. I didn't know in the vision what happens to me but it is horrible and forever but don't forget the angel protects me with peace and joy and no harm forever.

I love you sunshine. Love always and forever.

Mom


It is so obvious right there that she planned on ending her life. "It is horrible and forever". She was confessing to me that she was going to do it. And I probably skimmed over the letter when I got it in the mail, refusing to make sense of it all, because it made no sense and that terrified me. She wrote that she basically donated all the things she had to charity. And I was so stupid I didn't realize!

I am not blaming myself here. I am full of questions and when I see this, it answers some of them.  The suicide is no longer a surprise when I have this letter from August of 2009 telling me goodbye.  It makes more sense of how she had animosity towards me. I can see her thinking that everyday she continued to live was a struggle. She postponed her plan for whatever reason.. I wish I could say I thought it was me, but then she would call me with bizarre paranoia and I would be harsh, hoping I could snap her back in to reality.

So here I am with the waves of reality crashing on me, over a month later. No, still haven't talked to her. Really realizing she is gone.

Grief is a workout I was not training for at all.

The greyhound:

To recap..

Today was most unimpressive.

Will discovered that our heat is once again running on emergency heat. So that's why we had a $200 electric bill last month despite keeping our heat at 67. I called the number I have for our landlord and she said she'd have someone come out here by this evening.  I spent the entire day not getting things done and waited around for nothing. Someone better come tomorrow!

I am a hormonal mess right now. I want to eat everything! I can't get full! I'm also so emotional. Will has made me cry two times for no reason in less than a week. He feels so terrible about it too, so I just reassure him through the tears that it's not him, it's me.  I am not even going to try to begin to think I'm pregnant . It's too early to be having symptoms, anyway.

I do know that the sadness of trying to deal with missing my Mom each day is only magnified when you throw in being emotional. If I could have left the house, I probably would have gotten pizza and Ben and Jerry's and ate it all.

I am scared to think of the possibility of pregnancy. If I am pregnant, I'll just live in fear of another miscarriage. I come from a world where a positive pee test does not result in a baby. I have read conflicting studies saying caffeine causes miscarriages, so just to be safe I'm limiting my intake. I'm super tired in addition to living on the verge of tears. Also, being pregnant means we would have to at some point tell Will's parents. They acted like such shitheads last time, that I really don't even want to. I'll wear tents until the baby comes. I really just said I'll go visit them wearing a tent.  And then I have to be pregnant and not get to share the news with my own Mom. She will never meet her grandchildren. They will never meet her. They will only know what kind of incredible person she was through pictures and what others tell them.

I applied for another job.  At the ABC store in Pulaski. I don't really want to work there, but I have to face facts that LM's is just not giving me any hours.  They decided to be open on Sundays and ideally I'd like to pick up a shift then but so far I haven't. I worry that I told them I wanted part time.. whereas part time typically means at least 20+ hours a week. Lately, I am lucky to get 15. They are stressing about money being a new business as well, so they tell me to go home early every shift.

I am so grateful to Will and how hard he works to provide a life for us. Despite never holding it over my head, I feel pretty worthless around here. I never have any extra money either. So guaranteed hours, $2 more per hour and Sundays and holidays off sounds pretty good to me. When I say "I don't really want to work there", I mean, the coffee shop is amazing. Customers are nice, I can wear what I want and the people are the kindest and most fun characters I've had the pleasure to work with. I'd LOVE to be full time there. I'd also like to give them a heads up about it, but until I know more for sure about the ABC store, I don't know if I should mention it. I am just hopeful they can see things from my end, and considering I was only there about 15 hours last week (if that), it won't be too hard. I'd love to leave on good terms and still be able to put my paintings up and go hang out with everyone.

It's not like me to be stressed. After making it through 2006,  I swore I would not stress about anything as long as I had somewhere to live. Deep breath!